After being quoted in multiple newspapers across Australia, Tabbotto has once again received criticism from the ungrateful peasantry.

“As usual, I’ve been taken out of context,” he complained to Moray Press. “I didn’t fuckin’ say I want houses to be unaffordable, hey. I just think that if we can stop poor people from being able to enter the market then, you know, we’ll get to feel richer by comparison when everyone else is, like, living in tents and shit. Haha, don’t quote me, lol.”

The T-botto is the proud owner of a double A-frame home in Kirribilli, Sydney.

He told parliament yesterday, “As someone who, along with the bank, owns a house in Sydney, I do hope our housing prices are increasing.”

But what about the unwashed masses? You may be wondering. Well, wonder not!
“Oi, just become a prime minister,” advises the T-Bot. ‘Yeah. It worked for me. You get loads of money from that. I was totes poor before this job. Well, not totes poor but back when I was still at Oxford I was poor-ish. No, not really. I dunno. You work it out.”

A new study by Some Scientists shows that, more often than not, people by themselves are losers. Eight out of ten people surveyed said on a scale of one to ten, people they are friends with are people they had always known. “We’ve been friends since like forever,” said 25-year-old Ferdinand, of West End. “Yeah, we have like inside jokes and shit. This one time, Boris and I were socialising together on a community lot when he said this really funny thing. Now sometimes we just look at each other and laugh because we remember it at exactly the same time as one another.”

One group of perfectly normal youths with matching haircuts in a bar recalled a time when somebody who they didn’t already know walked in. “At first it was okay. I just assumed her friends were coming in behind her,” recalled Darren, 24. “I didn’t realise she was really there by herself. We made sure to stare her down, after we realised.”
His uni friend, Sarah, was also concerned. “I had heard of these losers before. I mean, there was this one guy in my science class in high school. He didn’t have any friends so I made sure to never talk to him to avoid confusing things. I think that experience helped me cope better with that weirdo in the bar.”

The study also shows that people may band together as a way of avoiding people they don’t already know. One person with a fringe explained the importance of tribal consistency. “We make sure that we exclusively stand with people who also have this hairstyle. It’s a very cool hairstyle, it’s in magazines at the moment. If we stand in packs like this, people who don’t know anybody here will be afraid to talk to us and may be encouraged to go home and stare at one of their walls.”

While there are plenty of defensive driving courses on the market, not a single offensive driving course exists. This is a problem and – quite simply – an injustice. I am always on the prowl for new ways in which I can help lacklustre communities grow. I care deeply about equal opportunity, that is, providing guidance for those who prefer to drive in a more confrontational way than is socially acceptable. With the help of the best drivers in New Farm, I have designed a world-class and world first offensive driving course. You’re very lucky to have access to it.

The ‘Get there first’ approach: Try to imagine that every other car is going to wherever you’re going. If you’re going to the supermarket, so are they. What if there is only one parking space left? Get there first.

The ‘Being a genuine VIP’ approach: You are better than them. You are a star. You’re the exception to every rule. You’ve come from a very complicated past and have grown into a complex, highly evolved individual. Only you know the extent of your incredible and ironic existence. It’s beautiful. Its valleys are so low and its pinnacles so high that the end result has transcended the comparatively simple subtleties of the English language. This is why you turn to art. But even then, you can provide only a tiny glimpse of the true you, and only through metaphors and the surrealist vases you make in your pottery class. Only through the amalgamation of every literary theory lens, can the preface of your magnificence be glimpsed. When you die, like a star, your light will only be beginning to glow for the ignorant eye of the herd. But you’re still alive. And you have no time for traffic lights and other fickle bullshitery.

The ‘Tailgatin’ Tone’ approach: Play exciting games involving other traffic. You’re in no rush. You have nowhere to be. You don’t even usually exist until the presence of other traffic triggers you to spawn. You might as well have some fun. Consider the car in front of you. They’re in your way. How rude. Make absolute sure that you do not – at any point – see the road between them and yourself. To do this, you need to stay close behind them. Be incredibly aware. Never see the road. God help you.

The ‘Socialisin’ Sid’ approach:   Another trick is to interact with the community. Call out comments. Get some of your sickest buddies to pile into the vehicle. Make sure they all hate learning and hate people who like learning. These g-units need to have incredibly shit taste in music and interests. Play some recently released shit music at the loudest volume possible. When you’re ready, call out to any other human you come across. Aggressively remind them that they’re wearing glasses. Ask them if they would like to engage in some sexual activity. Explain that you think their hat/car/music is nice. Say “nice _____.” then laugh loudly in time with your sick buddies.

The ‘Look at me, pls look at me’ approach: This one is easy, involves no ongoing commitment and is very popular so you won’t feel like you stand out too much. The problem, I suppose, is that standing out is the exact goal of this one. Go to the ‘Hardcore Accessories For Your Car’ shop and buy yourself a big pipe. Take it home and glue it to the back of your car. Next time you drive your car you will notice that it sounds very, very loud and very, very broken. DO NOT WORRY. This is only happening because you paid money to buy a pipe to glue to your car. What’s more, it was for this exact reason. Do not assume your car is broken. Assume it is awesome and, more importantly, realise you are awesome.

Just not really know what’s going on: What’s going on? The cars in the furthest lane are turning right. The cars in the middle lane are going straight ahead. The cars in front of you are turning left. You’re not exactly sure what the pattern is. Where should you go? What can you do with this information? Turn right. Indicate left.

I’m not going to lie. Like anything nobel, the undertaking of this course will not be easy. Learning to unlock your full, offensive potential will take hard work and dedication. Be prepared to make many mistakes. Hell, I’ve made them. I’ve given way without even thinking. This one time, I turned to shout a generic profanity at this old man I saw walking on the footpath. In my enthusiasm, my arm brushed the indicator and alerted incoming traffic as to my plans to turn left. They realised early that they were safely able to turn onto the main road I was leaving. These things happen. It’s only when you stop trying that you really lose.

W. Spriggs reports

“It’s true, I’m quite awful,” said Eileen Francis. “But that’s beside the point; I’m old.”
Seniors Eileen Francis and Bill Remington are astounded by the lack of frankly undeserved respect shown by Brisbane’s youths. They acknowledge they themselves are regularly rude to staff at cafes and shops, and that they like to slowly walk three abreast down narrow paths. “It’s not that walking like that benefits us, so to speak, but rather that we give very few fucks about other people. Does that makes sense?” laughs Ms. Frances, explaining the motivation for getting in the way.
Mr. Remington recalls having to wait in lines, pay full price to both his gardener and housekeeper, and vote “down among the town plebs” with grave dissatisfaction. Upon prompting, both resolve that while there wasn’t so much a situation involving active rudeness, the lack of reverence was disappointing.
“I suppose you could say I’m pretty fucking rude for no reason all the time,” laughed Mr.Remington. “But seriously, fuck young people. They’re lazy. They’re disrespectful.”

Watercress Spriggs reports

Briana Cooper, 29, looked to the Bible for inspiration when writing her final assignment. “It’s really long,” she said. “There are these big lists of names that go on for pages. I need to tap into whatever that writer’s having. There’s no way the Bible would fall too short for any word minimum.”

Like many students, Briana has trouble making the word limit. Despite making a well-rounded argument, providing detailed examples and restating her thesis statement, Briana’s dissertation falls short in the most important department: length.

“You know how it is. You’re reading a book or a bit of news and despite, you know, enjoying it, you wish it were more drawn out.” It’s no secret that ‘concise’ literature certainly puts a bad taste in one’s mouth. The thought of reading a piece with economic sentence structure, where each word serves a purpose, sends one running for a bucket.

“So far I’ve managed to squeeze in another hundred and twenty words,” she said. “Among other things, I’ve changed one of many problems to one – for instance – of many, many (but not that many, just some) problems. I thought about delving into another tangent but that would take too many words. It’s a tricky balance.” The student scanned over her work at the Moray Press office. “Yeah. It’s obviously worse now. But at least it’s long. That’s what counts.”

“I was in utter shock,” said one witness. “I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t look away.” New Farm resident of thirty-two years, Mark* had been picking up a selection of IGA cheeses when he was alarmed to sight an uncanny resemblance to the Hollywood star Adam Sandler looming in the deli department. Another shopper, Terrence*, of the inferior Fortitude Valley precinct, was bewildered by the incident. “I saw the whole thing,” claimed the twenty-eight year old, describing the eerie way in which the subject moved effortlessly through the cereal aisle. “Nothing could have prepared me for this. But that’s life, isn’t it?” Another local, Alison*, was shopping for cat food and eggs. “I honesty thought I was going crazy when I noticed him. I sent a telegram to my mother and father the moment I got home. They live in Ireland so it won’t get there for days. They first visited Ireland in 2004 on a holiday but loved it so much they decided to retire there.”

* Names have been changed to protect witnesses

Watercress Spriggs reports

Brisbane mother Sandy was heartbroken to discover that simply choosing particular genitals for her baby was not enough to guarantee a personality.
“I just wanted a daughter,” she told Moray Press, sobbing bitterly. “You know? Somebody I could talk to about girl things like makeup and hairstyles and Bic for Her. Honestly? I despise my sons. All they ever do is enroll in STEM courses and play with the toys marketed towards boys which I buy for them.”

Spencer, Tyler and Thomas, four, six and eight, all conceived naturally, came as disappointment after disappointment to Sandy and Luke. “We knew after Spencer that we would only have shit kids without intervention,” said Luke. “So we cancelled their music lessons and saved up for Gender Selection Treatment.”

Gender Selection Treatment – currently illegal in Australia – is a process that allows parents to decide on the gender of their child by knowing the gender of an embryo in advance. Moray Press believes it is crucial this practice remains illegal in Australia. Selfish babies of disappointing genders should continue to be born to parents passionate enough to spend upwards of $50k in an attempt to avoid them. Keeping this practice illegal in Australia makes sure that people who can’t afford to fly overseas are made to have children they won’t like.

After their second attempt with the procedure, the Brisbane couple were successful in conceiving a female child. What they didn’t count on was the betrayal that would occur only three years later. “She doesn’t want to wear dresses,” said Sandy. “She runs around outside and shows no interest in dolls. I can only pray she won’t take this further.”
“I can’t believe it,” said Luke. “All that money for nothing. It’s like she’s making decisions for herself, not giving a thought to who she might be hurting in the process.” The couple hasn’t lost hope yet, though. “She did show an interest in cooking the other day. Maybe she’ll come around.”